In reality

* My bike remained in the shed * Too many heavy pieces of our old fence were leaning against the shed door * It poured rain and blew a gale on Saturday * I was secretly a little relieved * I knocked my pan out over the weekend * Hardly sat down * Mainly domestic tasks * I kept thinking towards That Moment When It Would All Be Finished * But I never allowed myself That Moment * My little un's eyes improved * I was so grateful for all the support and tips I received in this space * They sorta worked but were still pretty tricky due to the squirming and screaming and eye-rubbing * Then she got a cold and hideous cough * And kept us up most of the night with her coughing * I am pretty sure two of my colleagues, who each have three young boys, thought I was pathetic for having so much trouble with a couple of measly eye drops * That says more about them, surely * We went out for lunch with my in-Laws yesterday to celebrate my husband and his sister's birthday * This is an annual tradition at a very nice restaurant indeed * Every year, I get very nervous about going * Every year, it ends up being quite pleasant * This year, I ended up organising my husband's and his sister's presents to each other, unbeknownst to either of them * I feel so unmotivated, and a little overwhelmed, in my day job today * Even though I actually enjoy the project I am currently working on * I ate an entire 160g pack of m&m mix-ups before 10am * There are a lot of things that are pushing my shame buttons at the moment * Numbing out with chocolate is one of them * Which leads me to crave more chocolate * It'll be my first appointment with my psychologist tonight for two weeks * We took a break so she could sit some exams * It was nice to have a break * But I am looking forward to going back * I feel a bit anxious about it though * Just thinking about all the shaming things I want to talk about * And I can hardly afford the appointment * Impulse spending and financial mismanagement are also big shame triggers for me * I suspect they all lead to the same source * Sometimes I feel like a walking shame trigger * With a sort throat, a very heavy period and achy limbs * And a week-ful of social engagements I am not entirely looking forward to * I have blocked out next week in my calendar * I just want to sink back into my routine * Potter around and do not much with my little 'un * Dream about next year * Our garden is slowly coming together * It will be really nice when it's finished * I am reading The Artist's Way, finally * I am itching to start morning pages * Even did a detour to the supermarket first thing this morning * Bought a notebook, tampons, m&ms * All of life's essentials covered, ha * I also find myself thinking about detoxing * Perhaps a liver cleanse * This makes me slightly wary * Like it's, "Extreme or nothing" * Like it's, "Next month, I am going to do it all perfectly" * Like it's, "Next year, I will get up early and write morning pages and switch to soy and not eat crap and get more exercise" * Like it's, "Set up to fail" * Like, where I am right now is not good enough * Like I don't allow myself to see my own efforts * Like just because my best is higgeldy-piggeldy, doesn't mean it's not worth honouring * Like I am scared to stop and really look at what I have and be truly grateful and bravely realistic and more present * And perhaps I am using this as an excuse not to get up early, write morning pages, switch to soy, stop eating crap, start exercising * But really, I am starting to see that the hardest truths have been the best ones * And that there may be a way of savouring my life as it really is * The crappy bits * The gorgeous bits * The sacred bits * The angry itchy bits * The urges I am less proud of * The gifts of insight they give me * The precious moments of true friendship * The fierce and flawed love of family * The things that make me me * This crazy splendid journey * This sweet and nourishing connections * The joy in simple things * Yes * I am going to say yes* I am saying yes * I say yes* Yes*